“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday