KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.