Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Introverted vegans go meetless
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
She puts the hot in psychotic
This story is comedy gold 😂