My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.