normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Candles never taste the way they smell