I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My life in a nutshell
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf