There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Oh. My. God.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
👾👾👾
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.