Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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I like long walks away from everyone
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?