Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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Bootstraps
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
ok like just. call me at this point
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag