I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Aight bet
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?