sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people