Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.