Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.