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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me