Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?