I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.