Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.