I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*skinny dips into black hole
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.