I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
#Caturday
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.