Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail