It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m giving up ice.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.