When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message