These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Before & after 😅
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Do not steal food from the science building!
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house