My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Not recommended for beginners.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.