what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”