Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.