has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I’m putting together a team
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*