Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.