If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack