me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
You had me at “define legal”.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.