I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier