My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Yep.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.