Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator