My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
According to math, I’m broke
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?