Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
reminder
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”