I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?