My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
the red hot silly peppers
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.