furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.