I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!