Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity