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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.