[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
my astrological sign is a french fry
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.