BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
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We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.