[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?