Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
are they though??
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.