ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Seems kinda suspicious
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Chemical wingman
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.