[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
yall want some gasoline milk
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?