Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*