“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Autocorrect is my menesis
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
stand with me against insufficient seating
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?