i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been